Hi tomato slices, and happy Wednesday.

Do you know what this plant is?

It’s a big fat waste of money, is what that is. Lucky bamboo. They’re lucky for the people selling them (online they run about forty bucks a pop – outrageous!) but not for anyone else.

Certainly not lucky for me. I find them abandoned in offices all over town. What am I supposed to do with them? I want to ignore them – I’m paid to care for my plants, not plants employees bring in from home or plants they get as gifts.

But I can’t bring myself to ignore them entirely. I mean, they are living, breathing creatures first, ugly wastes of money and symbols of greed second.

What? Did I just offend you because you have one sitting on your desk? Has it brought you luck? I didn’t think so. I’ll apologize when someone can prove the plants’ luckiness. Which will never happen because they’re NOT LUCKY.

After I know they are abandoned, I keep them filled with water, and constantly ask employees to take them home. No one does. So I’m stuck taking care of plants no one wants, most of all me. They’re a pain in my ass.

If you are considering buying a lucky bamboo plant, don’t. Just don’t.

[I have nothing against lucky charms or assigning symbolism to plants. Jades, for example, are considered symbols of financial success. Good for them. But these stupid Lucky Bamboo plants are different. First, they’re too expensive. Secondly, if they were outside, and not in an office in a container, they’d be considered an invasive species, incredibly hard to control and/or remove. Mostly, though, they have zero personality – it’s impossible to bond with them. Too harsh?]

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I’ll be back manana!